How do you solve a problem like a ‘Baby’?

Ron turns 4 months old today and as he coos and gurgles, throws his tiny hand in the air, clings on to me for his dear life, flashes the most brilliant smile I’ve ever seen in years, I begin to think that this was the calling of my life, to raise both Eri and Ron in His image and to love these kids and transform them into responsible human beings. At least, I can give it a shot even though it can be extremely tiring and trying at times. Have you ever imagined how many questions can pop into a woman’s head, especially when the pregnancy is unplanned?

From where do I get started? Let me tell you one thing, until last year, if there was anything I wanted badly in my life it was a second child. However, the decisions we made for our family did not accommodate a second child into our family frame. Maxim for one was doubly sure that if there is anything he did not want then it was a second baby. His uncertainty rubbed on me big time. We had reason to believe that we were meant to raise only one child.

Second time round, I did not even know that I was with another baby. I attributed the pregnancy nausea to a gastric problem and went for a liver function test as directed by my GP. However, the dosage of medicine she was to administer for my gastric problem was pretty high and hence she asked me to first run a pregnancy blood test which was a foolproof way to ascertain facts. Later that evening, I went about shopping for Eri’s sports day costume while Max ran the report with the doc. He called me and announced, 1/3^rd surprised (can whack him for this… I mean.. ‘our child right?’ kind of an attitude), 1/3^rd  confused with a one liner, ‘you are pregnant’, 1/3^rd  amused that we were going to have a baby.  What bothered me then was not the 2/3^rd of mixed emotion he was going through, it was the piercing 1/3^rd of emotion in which he broke the pregnancy news to me that blew my mind. Surprisingly, seeming very composed, I told him, ‘it takes two to make a baby, Mitch’. I knew for a sure fact that nothing was getting registered in his head.

That evening as I let Max fight his daemons, I decided to confront mine. As I was heading back from the shopping mall recovering from an Amygdala hijack, a lot of emotions started clouding my mind, a lot of prayers went up in thanksgiving and a lot more asking God, why now?

What were my fears and why did I have them?

Trust me, till date, I have no idea why I felt that way. You can blame it on the pregnancy hormones, but whatever the reason is, these fears were real. Life was sailing till then in tepid waters; this was the news I was waiting to hear from a long time, but when it finally happened I certainly was not on cloud nine.

My doubts seemed to never end:

What about the new baby?

How would it be? Could there be a mistake? How will this pregnancy proceed? Will the baby be okay?

Then came Eri, What about Eri?

After seven years of being the only child, was she ready for a sibling? How will I break the news to her? How do I prepare her? Since I always knew she wanted a sister, but then, what if it was a boy?

Then Max, What about Max?

Would he be able to accept the second child? (I wouldn’t have given him a choice anyway hehehe), How long will he take to come to terms with our baby number 2?  What about us as a couple? What about his job? His future plans?

And yes, What about ‘me’?

My career, what about my career? I put in a lot to make it what it was. My career was at a make or break point (now at a complete break point), my much orchestrated life for the next couple of months would still remain that way but what after that?  What about the finances? Who will take care of the baby when I’m away at work? How do I juggle work and home? How do I work, part time or full time? Was I physically fit to have this baby?

What about my early retirement plan? What about my dream to teach kids in school? All that had to now be put on a back burner. Momentarily, but yes, that is where it would go.

I knew for sure that some of these questions would be put to rest in due course never to be visited again. Some needed attention and some needed time. I also smiled, thinking about the voice of God. I did not hear any thunder in the sky; I did not hear the voice of God like Samuel did. I was on my own.  I don't know if those emotions were positive or negative, but they were real. I remember telling myself, then, ‘Congratulations Mrs. Lobo, you have successfully rocked your life in every possible way.

What is the scene today?

Time alone unravels the mysteries of your fears and anxiety. I always told my team one thing and the same applies to me, you are the best judge of your situation both personally and professionally and only you can make decisions for yourself since you know your circumstances better than I do. I keep that in my head always. With Ron in hand and four months up, some of those doubts have just vanished into thin air.  I’m trying to get help and am constantly looking out for somebody good whom I can hire to look after my kiddies. I am back at work and trying to shut my ears to things that earlier worried me. Yes, I am trying to find the earth beneath my feet. I am juggling between my elder and the younger child and trying all possible concoctions to keep at least one of them happy at a given time. In short, I’m trying everything possible big or small to keep the ball rolling.  

In all this, I am trying not to forget ‘me’ and what I want to do. As for the fear I had about having the second child, it has vanished. The anxiety is there but the fear has vanished. My best friend told me, ‘Cres, each child brings its own destiny, we are makeshift providers till then’. I believe in what she said. I will do my best and leave the rest in the Maker’s hand. BTW, Max is just himself, a doting father. I have never spoken to him about his fears. I think just like me, he would have dealt with his.

As for Ron, baby, the minute I held you in my hand, I knew that I was connected to you in a spiritual way. The void that I felt in my heart has vanished. The good Lord hasn't just completed my family but above all completed ‘me’. Baby Ron, this one is for you:

Heart beats fast

Colors and promises

How to be brave

How can I love when I'm afraid

To fall

But watching you stand alone

All of my doubt

Suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

(Chorus)

I have died every day

waiting for you

Darlin' don't be afraid

I have loved you for a

Thousand years

I'll love you for a

Thousand more

Read more: Christina Perri - A Thousand Years Lyrics |

The Cotton Candy – ‘Try Me’ Shot

These days it is quite impossible to get Eri to do anything. Given my current state of mind, every non- issue is converted into an issue that possibly requires some amount of firefighting. A simple thing such as ‘Eat your greens’ invites an angry twitch from my 7-year-old. Catering to a newborn with a 7-year-old in tow has now become a gargantuan task.

So last evening, when I asked her to try out a new dish, she pushed my hand aside and said ‘Ma, please don’t force me’. Just as I was about to get into my preachy mode of how children in Africa are deprived of food and so on, something within me kept shrieking ‘it is 8:00 in the evening and you are now talking to a tired, sleepy and a cranky 7-year-old who if pushed to the edge might simply throw a tantrum that I might not be able to handle, especially when my 2.5 month old baby is catnapping’. 

So I decided to do it my mom’s way, I pulled out a chair and sat beside her and narrated something about trying out things before saying a ‘No’. Deep down, I knew that this is one area that I need to work on more than anybody, but I had to get her to listen. And so I told her, “

You know Eri, when I was seven years old, my dad took us to a park for an outing. We made this trip with my uncle’s family. We kids were immersed in our play when we heard my mom calling out our names 
waving out a huge pink cotton ball. Seeing this flashy pink colour, I ran towards her and asked her what it was. She pulled out a small ball and tried feeding me the cotton candy. I took one look at the cottony mess and told her that I did not want to eat pink cotton. She tried persuading me to eat it, but I refused to listen. Taking a cue from me my younger cousin also decided to follow suit and almost spat out the cotton candy which her mom managed to feed her. My dad, an absolute taskmaster was a mute witness to our conversation. He told us to try out the cotton ball as it was sweet. But all of us refused. He told us one thing very firmly that none of us would get any goodies later even if we were hungry. I knew my dad meant business, but a seven year immersed in play couldn’t care less.

After we finished our play, we slowly began to realize that our tummies were growling. I went to my mom and told her that I was hungry. My mom pulled out the cotton candy, which was now only a tiny ball and coaxed me to try it. With no energy left, I decided to try it out. I popped the ball into my mouth only to realize that this stuff tastes divine. Now that I knew how it tasted, I so badly wanted my dad to buy me one. But dad being ‘my’ dad, very sternly replied ‘I asked you three times to try it out and all three times you refused. Now, the only thing you get is your dinner’. I never dared to question my dad. I knew that he wouldn’t give in. On our way back home that evening, all I could think of was the wonderful cotton candy that I refused to try out. If only I knew that the cottony mess tasted divine, I would probably be the happiest child. Looking at my sunken face, my dad taught me the very first lesson that till date I find hard to digest. He said to a very hungry, sleepy and a cranky 7-year-old kid, “Never say no before you try anything. You never know what’s in store for you, give it a shot”.

Now that I finished my tale, I asked my attentive 7-year-old about what this incident taught her. She did not say a word; she quietly took a small helping of the dish only to ask me for an extra helping later. I am no advocate on this topic as I have my daily struggles with the ‘Try Me’ shots. So I will keep it short, be it trying out a new dish, or delivering your first speech or trying out a new outfit, there is always a first time for everything. These ‘Try Me’ shots might someday simply contribute to the big picture of our very being, if not, then it becomes a part of our journey :D.

And yes, Eri hugged me snug after her dinner last night and told me that she would first try things out before she decides to say a big ‘no’. This brings to mind another topic about ‘choices’. Now this requires some reading and skill. So until next time, I will keep trying the ‘Try Me’ shot :D.