Ron turns 4 months old today and as he coos and gurgles, throws his tiny hand
in the air, clings on to me for his dear life, flashes the most brilliant smile
I’ve ever seen in years, I begin to think that this was the calling of my life,
to raise both Eri and Ron in His image and to love these kids and transform
them into responsible human beings. At least, I can give it a shot even though
it can be extremely tiring and trying at times. Have you ever imagined how many
questions can pop into a woman’s head, especially when the pregnancy is
unplanned?
From where do I get started? Let me tell you one thing, until
last year, if there was anything I wanted badly in my life it was a second child.
However, the decisions we made for our family did not accommodate a second
child into our family frame. Maxim for one was doubly sure that if there is
anything he did not want then it was a second baby. His uncertainty rubbed on
me big time. We had reason to believe that we were meant to raise only one
child.
Second time round, I did not even know that I was with
another baby. I attributed the pregnancy nausea to a gastric problem and went
for a liver function test as directed by my GP. However, the dosage of medicine
she was to administer for my gastric problem was pretty high and hence she
asked me to first run a pregnancy blood test which was a foolproof way to ascertain
facts. Later that evening, I went about shopping for Eri’s sports day costume
while Max ran the report with the doc. He called me and announced, 1/3rd
surprised (can whack him for this… I mean.. ‘our child right?’ kind of an
attitude), 1/3rd confused with
a one liner, ‘you are pregnant’, 1/3rd amused that we were going to have a baby. What bothered me then was not the 2/3rd
of mixed emotion he was going through, it was the piercing 1/3rd of emotion
in which he broke the pregnancy news to me that blew my mind. Surprisingly, seeming
very composed, I told him, ‘it takes two to make a baby, Mitch’. I knew for a
sure fact that nothing was getting registered in his head.
That evening as I let Max fight his daemons, I decided to confront
mine. As I was heading back from the shopping mall recovering from
an Amygdala hijack, a lot of emotions started clouding my
mind, a lot of prayers went up in thanksgiving and a lot more asking God, why
now?
What were my fears and why did I have them?
Trust me, till date, I have no idea why I felt that way. You
can blame it on the pregnancy hormones, but whatever the reason is, these fears
were real. Life was sailing till then in tepid waters; this was the news I was
waiting to hear from a long time, but when it finally happened I certainly was
not on cloud nine.
My doubts seemed to never end:
What about the new
baby?
How would it be? Could there be a mistake? How will this
pregnancy proceed? Will the baby be okay?
Then came Eri, What
about Eri?
After seven years of being the only child, was she ready for
a sibling? How will I break the news to her? How do I prepare her? Since I
always knew she wanted a sister, but then, what if it was a boy?
Then Max, What about
Max?
Would he be able to accept the second child? (I wouldn’t
have given him a choice anyway hehehe), How long will he take to come to terms
with our baby number 2? What about us as
a couple? What about his job? His future plans?
And yes, What about
‘me’?
My career, what about my career? I put in a lot to make it
what it was. My career was at a make or break point (now at a complete break
point), my much orchestrated life for the next couple of months would still
remain that way but what after that?
What about the finances? Who will take care of the baby when I’m away at
work? How do I juggle work and home? How do I work, part time or full time?
Was I physically fit to have this baby?
What about my early
retirement plan? What about my dream to teach kids in school? All that had to
now be put on a back burner. Momentarily, but yes, that is where it would go.
I knew for sure that some of these questions would be put to
rest in due course never to be visited again. Some needed attention and some
needed time. I also smiled, thinking about the voice of God. I did not hear any
thunder in the sky; I did not hear the voice of God like Samuel did. I was on
my own. I don't know if those emotions
were positive or negative, but they were real. I remember telling myself, then,
‘Congratulations Mrs. Lobo, you have successfully rocked your life in every
possible way.
What is the scene
today?
Time alone unravels the mysteries of your fears and anxiety.
I always told my team one thing and the same applies to me, you are the best
judge of your situation both personally and professionally and only you can
make decisions for yourself since you know your circumstances better than I do.
I keep that in my head always. With Ron in hand and four months up, some of
those doubts have just vanished into thin air. I’m trying to get help and am constantly looking
out for somebody good whom I can hire to look after my kiddies. I am back at
work and trying to shut my ears to things that earlier worried me. Yes, I am trying
to find the earth beneath my feet. I am juggling between my elder and the
younger child and trying all possible concoctions to keep at least one of them
happy at a given time. In short, I’m trying everything possible big or small to
keep the ball rolling.
In all this, I am trying not to forget ‘me’ and what I want
to do. As for the fear I had about having the second child, it has vanished.
The anxiety is there but the fear has vanished. My best friend told me, ‘Cres, each
child brings its own destiny, we are makeshift providers till then’. I believe
in what she said. I will do my best and leave the rest in the Maker’s hand. BTW, Max
is just himself, a doting father. I have never spoken to him about his fears. I
think just like me, he would have dealt with his.
As for Ron, baby, the minute I held you in my hand, I knew
that I was connected to you in a spiritual way. The void that I felt in my
heart has vanished. The good Lord hasn't just completed my family but above all
completed ‘me’. Baby Ron, this one is for you:
Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
(Chorus)
I have died every day
waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more
Read more: Christina Perri - A Thousand Years Lyrics |
