How do you solve a problem like a ‘Baby’?

Ron turns 4 months old today and as he coos and gurgles, throws his tiny hand in the air, clings on to me for his dear life, flashes the most brilliant smile I’ve ever seen in years, I begin to think that this was the calling of my life, to raise both Eri and Ron in His image and to love these kids and transform them into responsible human beings. At least, I can give it a shot even though it can be extremely tiring and trying at times. Have you ever imagined how many questions can pop into a woman’s head, especially when the pregnancy is unplanned?

From where do I get started? Let me tell you one thing, until last year, if there was anything I wanted badly in my life it was a second child. However, the decisions we made for our family did not accommodate a second child into our family frame. Maxim for one was doubly sure that if there is anything he did not want then it was a second baby. His uncertainty rubbed on me big time. We had reason to believe that we were meant to raise only one child.

Second time round, I did not even know that I was with another baby. I attributed the pregnancy nausea to a gastric problem and went for a liver function test as directed by my GP. However, the dosage of medicine she was to administer for my gastric problem was pretty high and hence she asked me to first run a pregnancy blood test which was a foolproof way to ascertain facts. Later that evening, I went about shopping for Eri’s sports day costume while Max ran the report with the doc. He called me and announced, 1/3^rd surprised (can whack him for this… I mean.. ‘our child right?’ kind of an attitude), 1/3^rd  confused with a one liner, ‘you are pregnant’, 1/3^rd  amused that we were going to have a baby.  What bothered me then was not the 2/3^rd of mixed emotion he was going through, it was the piercing 1/3^rd of emotion in which he broke the pregnancy news to me that blew my mind. Surprisingly, seeming very composed, I told him, ‘it takes two to make a baby, Mitch’. I knew for a sure fact that nothing was getting registered in his head.

That evening as I let Max fight his daemons, I decided to confront mine. As I was heading back from the shopping mall recovering from an Amygdala hijack, a lot of emotions started clouding my mind, a lot of prayers went up in thanksgiving and a lot more asking God, why now?

What were my fears and why did I have them?

Trust me, till date, I have no idea why I felt that way. You can blame it on the pregnancy hormones, but whatever the reason is, these fears were real. Life was sailing till then in tepid waters; this was the news I was waiting to hear from a long time, but when it finally happened I certainly was not on cloud nine.

My doubts seemed to never end:

What about the new baby?

How would it be? Could there be a mistake? How will this pregnancy proceed? Will the baby be okay?

Then came Eri, What about Eri?

After seven years of being the only child, was she ready for a sibling? How will I break the news to her? How do I prepare her? Since I always knew she wanted a sister, but then, what if it was a boy?

Then Max, What about Max?

Would he be able to accept the second child? (I wouldn’t have given him a choice anyway hehehe), How long will he take to come to terms with our baby number 2?  What about us as a couple? What about his job? His future plans?

And yes, What about ‘me’?

My career, what about my career? I put in a lot to make it what it was. My career was at a make or break point (now at a complete break point), my much orchestrated life for the next couple of months would still remain that way but what after that?  What about the finances? Who will take care of the baby when I’m away at work? How do I juggle work and home? How do I work, part time or full time? Was I physically fit to have this baby?

What about my early retirement plan? What about my dream to teach kids in school? All that had to now be put on a back burner. Momentarily, but yes, that is where it would go.

I knew for sure that some of these questions would be put to rest in due course never to be visited again. Some needed attention and some needed time. I also smiled, thinking about the voice of God. I did not hear any thunder in the sky; I did not hear the voice of God like Samuel did. I was on my own.  I don't know if those emotions were positive or negative, but they were real. I remember telling myself, then, ‘Congratulations Mrs. Lobo, you have successfully rocked your life in every possible way.

What is the scene today?

Time alone unravels the mysteries of your fears and anxiety. I always told my team one thing and the same applies to me, you are the best judge of your situation both personally and professionally and only you can make decisions for yourself since you know your circumstances better than I do. I keep that in my head always. With Ron in hand and four months up, some of those doubts have just vanished into thin air.  I’m trying to get help and am constantly looking out for somebody good whom I can hire to look after my kiddies. I am back at work and trying to shut my ears to things that earlier worried me. Yes, I am trying to find the earth beneath my feet. I am juggling between my elder and the younger child and trying all possible concoctions to keep at least one of them happy at a given time. In short, I’m trying everything possible big or small to keep the ball rolling.  

In all this, I am trying not to forget ‘me’ and what I want to do. As for the fear I had about having the second child, it has vanished. The anxiety is there but the fear has vanished. My best friend told me, ‘Cres, each child brings its own destiny, we are makeshift providers till then’. I believe in what she said. I will do my best and leave the rest in the Maker’s hand. BTW, Max is just himself, a doting father. I have never spoken to him about his fears. I think just like me, he would have dealt with his.

As for Ron, baby, the minute I held you in my hand, I knew that I was connected to you in a spiritual way. The void that I felt in my heart has vanished. The good Lord hasn't just completed my family but above all completed ‘me’. Baby Ron, this one is for you:

Heart beats fast

Colors and promises

How to be brave

How can I love when I'm afraid

To fall

But watching you stand alone

All of my doubt

Suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

(Chorus)

I have died every day

waiting for you

Darlin' don't be afraid

I have loved you for a

Thousand years

I'll love you for a

Thousand more

Read more: Christina Perri - A Thousand Years Lyrics |

The Cotton Candy – ‘Try Me’ Shot

These days it is quite impossible to get Eri to do anything. Given my current state of mind, every non- issue is converted into an issue that possibly requires some amount of firefighting. A simple thing such as ‘Eat your greens’ invites an angry twitch from my 7-year-old. Catering to a newborn with a 7-year-old in tow has now become a gargantuan task.

So last evening, when I asked her to try out a new dish, she pushed my hand aside and said ‘Ma, please don’t force me’. Just as I was about to get into my preachy mode of how children in Africa are deprived of food and so on, something within me kept shrieking ‘it is 8:00 in the evening and you are now talking to a tired, sleepy and a cranky 7-year-old who if pushed to the edge might simply throw a tantrum that I might not be able to handle, especially when my 2.5 month old baby is catnapping’. 

So I decided to do it my mom’s way, I pulled out a chair and sat beside her and narrated something about trying out things before saying a ‘No’. Deep down, I knew that this is one area that I need to work on more than anybody, but I had to get her to listen. And so I told her, “

You know Eri, when I was seven years old, my dad took us to a park for an outing. We made this trip with my uncle’s family. We kids were immersed in our play when we heard my mom calling out our names 
waving out a huge pink cotton ball. Seeing this flashy pink colour, I ran towards her and asked her what it was. She pulled out a small ball and tried feeding me the cotton candy. I took one look at the cottony mess and told her that I did not want to eat pink cotton. She tried persuading me to eat it, but I refused to listen. Taking a cue from me my younger cousin also decided to follow suit and almost spat out the cotton candy which her mom managed to feed her. My dad, an absolute taskmaster was a mute witness to our conversation. He told us to try out the cotton ball as it was sweet. But all of us refused. He told us one thing very firmly that none of us would get any goodies later even if we were hungry. I knew my dad meant business, but a seven year immersed in play couldn’t care less.

After we finished our play, we slowly began to realize that our tummies were growling. I went to my mom and told her that I was hungry. My mom pulled out the cotton candy, which was now only a tiny ball and coaxed me to try it. With no energy left, I decided to try it out. I popped the ball into my mouth only to realize that this stuff tastes divine. Now that I knew how it tasted, I so badly wanted my dad to buy me one. But dad being ‘my’ dad, very sternly replied ‘I asked you three times to try it out and all three times you refused. Now, the only thing you get is your dinner’. I never dared to question my dad. I knew that he wouldn’t give in. On our way back home that evening, all I could think of was the wonderful cotton candy that I refused to try out. If only I knew that the cottony mess tasted divine, I would probably be the happiest child. Looking at my sunken face, my dad taught me the very first lesson that till date I find hard to digest. He said to a very hungry, sleepy and a cranky 7-year-old kid, “Never say no before you try anything. You never know what’s in store for you, give it a shot”.

Now that I finished my tale, I asked my attentive 7-year-old about what this incident taught her. She did not say a word; she quietly took a small helping of the dish only to ask me for an extra helping later. I am no advocate on this topic as I have my daily struggles with the ‘Try Me’ shots. So I will keep it short, be it trying out a new dish, or delivering your first speech or trying out a new outfit, there is always a first time for everything. These ‘Try Me’ shots might someday simply contribute to the big picture of our very being, if not, then it becomes a part of our journey :D.

And yes, Eri hugged me snug after her dinner last night and told me that she would first try things out before she decides to say a big ‘no’. This brings to mind another topic about ‘choices’. Now this requires some reading and skill. So until next time, I will keep trying the ‘Try Me’ shot :D.

Hold On!

Get a hold, don’t let go

Times are changing as you know

The life that is yours will never be gone

Just look around and wipe away the frown

It is often easy to surrender

Those senseless battles of mind over matter

When you think you should pack and retreat

Hold on, there are few hardships that you cannot beat

Alter the sail and face the wind,

When the spirit is strong, there is no impede

For no bad times last forever

It has to change, for the better

Memories are there sometimes to hound

It is just lost time that can never be found

Take a few and leave the rest

Hold on for life to change from better to best

The wedding band

“You know what?? this is not how it was meant to be” I mumbled as I removed my wedding band and flung it on my hubby. I said this not so modest statement a couple of years ago to which Max replied “I guess you’ll realize the value of the ring only when it is gone”.

A couple of days ago, while at work, I realized that my band was missing. I looked around and couldn’t find it. I was in a different office when this happened. I immediately called my colleagues and asked them to look for it. They looked around and so did I. I can’t express what I went through that day. I contacted the security and gave them a description of my ring. I felt utterly helpless. I called up mom and with a heavy heart told her about the ring. Mom said it was not auspicious to lose a wedding band. She said, it is better to get another band done and get it blessed asap. I came home and pulled out my drawer and started looking for the ring high and low but of no avail. I then told Max about what had happened to which in a boy like glee he prophesized “Oh! I think that kind of ends our marriage”. I turned a deaf year to what he had to say.

Eight years of my marriage started playing in front of my eyes that night. I looked at my barren ring finger and thought if only I could get rid of a crazy cultivated habit of moving rings from one finger to another; I would still have my ring in my hand. I could barely sleep.

I said three Hail Mary’s and continued praying profusely. The next morning, I had a quick word with the security who threw up their hands and said that the cleaning committee had finished duty and now it was close to impossible to locate the ring. I pressed them to look for it. I got into the office shuttle and continued praying. With absolutely no hope, I continued staring at my empty finger. As we were passing by the St. Antony church, I prayed, “please God please, I’ll light three candles I promise, I will never take anything for granted”. I reached my work place and pulled out the chair, I saw something roll and daintily fall on the floor. I ignored it. Something made me turn back and look again. I was amazed. Lo and behold! My ring was on the floor. I can’t express what I felt. I was elated. I thanked God and promised to pay up the bribe asap.

That evening, when I got back home, I pulled Max closer and told him “I guess, you are not that lucky, you will still have me for your wife, in good times and in bad….” As I trailed off with the half-baked wedding vows, I could see my husband smile his boy like smile perhaps thinking, ‘What luck!!!’

Eri's pearls from last week

A dear friend of mine jotted down Eri's animated conversation to one of his friends. He shared the excerpts of that mail with me.
Thanks pal! Makes me wanna write.

On Wed, Sep 22, 2010 at 3:37 PM, Hemanth Pradeep wrote:

Cres and I were yakking when Eri starts tugging at her for attention, saying something
Cres: 'Eri.. ..how many times I've told you, when two adults are speaking you shouldn't interrupt...'
Eri: 'But I'm also speaking like an adult only no mama...'

Eri gleefully doodles on the door with a crayon. Her Dad screams in horror. Mom is still blissfully in the shower. A while later, the little princess is being coaxed by the maid for dinner while Mom happens to pass by the door and throws an understandable fit. The little lady is immediately engrossed in her dinner and tv, turning a deaf ear to all the screaming.

'Eri, who did this?', Mom presses for a confession. 'Am angry with you Mama, am not speaking to you, go!', comes the googly out of nowhere....
Cres stands helplessly akimbo saying 'Excuse me Madam, you don't tell me what I'm supposed to do...I'm the one who should be angry!'...... I couldn't help being in splits!

Maxim was to take Eri to the doc and everyone was tricking her into putting on a sweater.
I tried my way 'Eri you look pretty in the sweater..'.
She wasn't really buying it and yanking it off, said, 'No uncle, I look hot hot in the sweater!'...
I managed to look away and guffawed. Cres was on the chair cracking a smile. Maxim couldn't suppress his grin and corrected 'Putha, you feel hot hot in the sweater!'

Penny thoughts

La Familia

So, my beautiful life in Mangalore, I will have to let you go. But, I will fondly cherish you, hold you dear to my heart. If I had to have my way, I wouldn't have let you go but life is calling.

I don't write often. I write when I feel like and that kind of explains the delay. I grew up in the 'Monteiro' household. A house, (correction home) named 'Nandan' where my identity exists. Where I remember growing up with my grand parents. The best days of my life.

The house was always full, with Dad's brothers/sister and their families. My life although revolved around the visits of my cousins which I so looked forward to. We shared a love-hate relationship. We often tried to outdo the other. We played endlessly in the busting heat of Mangalore. We were mean and manipulative; at the same time caring and protective. Since we are sixteen grandchildren on my dad's side we were divided into various groups. Within these groups we liked some and hated some. At the end of the day all was well and the next day we started on a new note. I can't forget the trips that we made to my aunt's house in Urwa, or taking orders from the ring master my eldest cousin, or bullying the smaller ones, carrying them, flaunting them, or singing lullabies for the little ones, or making every uncle who came down from the Gulf buy ice cream from Classy, or praying for the thunder storms to stop, or dosing off during prayers, or going to my aunt's house for Kannada tuitions or playing seven tiles and endless other outdoor games. The tears, the joys, the list is endless.

Why-o-why am I writing about all this? Perhaps because my little girl will not have all this. Her life will be a hankey dovey 'I-ME-MYSELF'. She will grow ignorant typical of the generation next. I can only try to tell her that Mamma's cousin this one and that. Nothing beyond that I guess.

I love the idea of a joint family. Yes, I do. I kind of grew in one.

I speak for myself: It is very different now, we are such a nuclear setup, all of us engrossed in our own little world. Acknowledging or rather failing to acknowledge each other. Waiting for the other to make the first move. Well, the ego trip is endless.;-).

I wish I could re-live a few golden moments with my grandparents and cousins
again. I can write pages and pages about my growing up years, but then one cannot cling on to the past forever. So dear-ole-me, close your eyes and I will kiss you; tomorrow , I will miss you...

Talk: That is changing

When Boy Dylan sang 'The Times: They Are A-changin', he definitely meant it in a different context, but the line has always caught my eye. The reason being; whenever I meet my friends, I realize that so much has changed. I remember the talks we had when we were in our teens, it always revolved around studies, future, parents, lecturers, clothes, food, books, shopping, movies, and boys. That was an age that called for such talks. When we reached our final year of education, we started dwindling with what to do next. Do we further our studies, or work? The next three months we busied ourselves in finding out the admission process to different colleges, and universities. So quite obviously our talks revolved around admissions, entrance exams, fees, etc.

As time passed, our talks started getting a little more serious; we discussed about marriage, love, career, expectations out of life, and much more. Often in a very philosophical sense. Our curiosity for what life probably had in store for us never ceased to exist. As each one of us settled into marital bliss, our talks steered towards the art of home making, cooking, outings, and above all husbands.

Gradually, we discussed about pregnancy, the different stages of pregnancy, and the anxiety that came with it. Then it was babies, burps, bottles, sleepless nights, diapers, vaccination, maids, doctors and a whole lot of things that revolve around them. Today, when some of us are dwindling with schools, and admissions; some of my friends have new born in their midst when some of their children are well settled in school.

What next? I will update as time passes (optimistic approach). When more than a quarter of my life is over, I look forward to the other bit that may possibly include studies, raising kids, the so called mid life crisis, job, finances, health, and the scary bit of life; old age.

I remember reading in one of the editions of 'Readers Digest' many years back and this has stayed with me ever since; that if anything changes it is the circumstances around us and as people we respond to it differently and that itself is 'change'.

P.S: The various talks that we discuss always cross paths. According to me, it is at a particular phase in life that we tend to delve deeply on a few talks(a little more than the rest).